Old Friends and Introspection

DISCLAIMER: This was written late at night. At such a late hour I find that my perspective is often skewed for some reason. I don't know why, but it is certainly true as Bridget will readily attest.

Now this was supposed to be a family blog, but my lovely wife pretty much refuses to write anything on it. She will give the stamp of approval to what I put on it(or not in the case of one post about a month ago that she had me remove) but she will not sully herself with such a mundane task as updating the blog. As a result, I think this blog ends up being skewed by me and lacks perspective that she could bring. A dialogue might be better instead of the monologue that it is.

Well, if this is mainly a monologue then I guess I will embrace it let more of my thoughts that are not so much family-related as they are ways for me to express some of my thoughts about life and anything else. When this blog originally was started, I found that I kept tossing in cycling-related stuff. I found this material to be interesting to me, but not within the subject matter that the blog was supposed to be about--us as a family. So I am tempted to start a blog that would be a place for me to ramble about anything and everything, where I can say things that are PG or PG-13 instead of G-rated like this blog. But, 3 blogs would be too much, even for an unemployed lawyer. So for now I am going to let some of things that aren't about our boys or about things we do as a family creep in. That was rather long winded, but who cares, words are cheap.

Tonight I am in a rather introspective mood. This will surely result in rambling about thing that no one else is interested in. Oh well. Part of the reason for the mood has to do with having time on my hands to think. In law school, it was all about reading, processing rules and laws, memorizing, and regurgitation. Very little time for creative thought and self analysis. I went back on campus yesterday and I could feel the beginnings of the frenzied finals atmosphere. So glad that is done with. But I think I liked to be busy, and self reflection can be a dangerous thing.

I checked my law school email account tonight and I had some message from my LinkedIn account. LinkedIn is an online networking site that I can see has some potential. I don't really use it that well, but perhaps I should do more. An old friend from my first couple of years at BYU found me there and sent me a message. I couldn't believe it. I admit that I was pretty surprised and . . . I guess excited or delighted as well (although those words sound sort of gay, and this was strictly a hetero sort of manly excitement). The guy that sent me the message, Ryan, has to be my favorite fellow from those years. I admit that I looked up to him to some degree back then. I had some really good times with him. Anyway, it has been a long time since we spoke and it sort of sent me down memory lane a bit. This led to thoughts about whether I have changed and grown. Undoubtedly. But in all the ways that I wanted then or want now? eh.

Normally I think I go though life not particularly caring what people think about me. I readily admit that there I times that this is not true, but if I am speaking in generalities, then mostly if someone doesn't like me or doesn't think I am amusing I don't really care. Bridget says that I tend to carry myself in a way that makes me seem imposing or standoffish. I don't really feel that way, but I admit that I don't get too animated around groups of people. No, I like to work my magic in smaller groups or among those I count as my friends. Then I will let go a bit. My Rick James karaoke routine comes to mind from a few months ago. That event seemed to surprise people--that I would do something like that--but really I do goofy stuff all the time, it is just that my family sees it mostly or some close friends.

I think that I am a bit prickly to some and I also tend to like pranks. I can think of a few things I was involved in with Ryan, my old friend. I can't write those here, because I am a believer that such stories should not be written down where they can be evidence against me. ;) But I still laugh when I think about some of jokes I have played on people. I realized that I do somewhat like to be a clown or I do them to lighten the mood, but mostly I think I may do it selfishly--for the enjoyment of myself, the prankster. I came to that realization while watching an episode of Spongebob Squarepants with Ryan (my son, not my old college buddy). Spongebob goes to a joke store with Patrick, his starfish friend. They are asking about some pranks/tricks that they could buy. One of them asks why they would perform a joke that would embarrass or hurt someone else. The owner of the establishment responds that it the joke is for the enjoyment of the prankster not anyone else. So yes, it is true I often play pranks on others for my own enjoyment, not really taking into account the repercussions on others. Yep, I am a jerk. Less of a jerk now because I don't play too many jokes on people. I have matured a bit thankfully. It is not really socially acceptable to play pranks when you are supposed to be a reliable, intelligent individual with aspirations of wealth and prosperity. Nevertheless, the pranks are often just below the surface, trying to get out. And I am still a jerk.

Here is a recent story that is proof of my jerkiness. I have a niece that is, well, a good girl but she is a drama queen. She is nine will often cry about something that Ryan (four) or Jack (two) has done to her. I frankly have little if no pity for her in those times. I figure a nine year old ought to be able to handle the teasings of a four and two year old. Maybe that is unrealistic. I have watched as my boys have teased her a bit, or as Jack has run off with her jacket to get a rise out of her. And I have secretly laughed inside as they do such things. I will let things go on because I don't think that what they are doing is so bad even though she is getting all bent out of shape. Now when it gets out of hand or even before I will stop them. I don't want them to be bullies, but I don't mind if they the type of boys that tease girls. Better they learn to give it and receive it. They both tease each other so I don't worry too much about them in receiving department. Anyway, a compassionate individual would not be amused when their niece is being teased, even if she is a drama queen. Why am I not more disturbed by this? Probably because I am a jerk.

I think part of my jerkiness comes from being around my father. He doesn't read this blog so I don't worry about any repercussions from writing the following: My dad is a big jerk. Much bigger than I have ever been. I could tell stories, and my siblings would probably back me on my statement. He has done lots of good for us, but he is still a jerk. I think you can still be a basically good person a still be a jerk by doing socially unacceptable things or saying them. He doesn't really care what he says sometimes. There is no filter. I don't know if my jerkiness is inherited, environmental or all my own doing, but it is there. I think that I should consider being more patient and less of a jerk. It would probable help me in the long run. But it would not be a amusing to my inner jerk.

I had other thoughts tonight. Some were darker, like last nights post, but most were not. I am pretty happy with who I am and my position in life. I realize that a number of people have sacrificed to help me get to where I am--a freaking lawyer believe it or not. I have a hard time believing that. I told Bridget last night that I have a hard time grasping sometimes that I am going to be advising people and acting like I actually know what to do in difficult situations. People will someday pay me for advice! But I know I will and that I will do fine at it. I am very grateful to those that have encouraged and helped in a variety of ways. I could name names and I will.

Obviously, my family. Bridget has been my strength through our time together. I am a better person for having her around. I would not have attempted law school if not for her. When I was surprised by my LSAT score which was at the 95 percentile or so, she was not. She said she always knew I would do well. She has more confidence in me than I do. Ryan, my son Ryan was a big deal. When he came along my perspective on life changed, but that is another story. Jack, well, he just keeps me on my toes these days. He is two afterall.

Bridget's parents have been amazing. I could go into detail, but it would be too embarrassing, mainly for me. They are great.

My parents, mainly my Dad, have always been the voice in my mind that told me that I can do better. That is usually helpful. They had more to do with my undergrad that law school, but they have been there. My Mom always has a ear to listen to anything I had to say, though often I didn't turn there enough.

Kulani Fisher. A good friend. Great advice. Helped be start my path to losing weight 4 or 5 years ago. He is always there if he can help. Plus the dude can set a mean table. If I can only have the basement that he has--ugh--so many damn nice bikes. Too bad he is a freaking patent attorney though, those guys are all nerds. ;)

Henry Garza. When I was in the car biz, he was one of my biggest advocates. A loyal friend who would kick your butt and then buy you lunch afterwards.

And I can't mention Henry without Jason Mink. Every lawyer has his seedy contacts, but Jason has a good heart even if, at the time I worked for him and with him, it was mired in a fair amount of filth. He told me once after I wondered why he fought to get me a management position at a car dealership that it was like we were brothers; I was the good seed and him the bad seed. So of course he tried to help me out. That was one of the best compliments I ever had. If you knew him you would understand.

And my old friend Ryan. You were an influence too and by you contacting me you started this lame post. Jerk. You did didn't influence my decision to become a lawyer or anything, but you undoubtedly influenced some of my tastes in music and cars. I don't think I had a thing for German cars until you came along. I always thought it was great that you went to the beat of your own drum. Can't wait to catch up with you. And yes, the more I think about it, you probably had something to do with me wanting to name our first son, Ryan. I knew couple of Ryans earlier in life that I was good friends with. One was in middle school and the other was in college. Plus, Ryan is a good Irish name to go along with Flynn.

Anyway, I really should go to bed. I am going to be cranky tomorrow if I don't get some sleep. If you read all of this, you really need a life, or you should go to the library.