Grandma

Grandma Billie May Meese (Ryan and Jack's Great-Grandma) passed away a couple of days ago. She was my last grandparent. I feel like part of my childhood has gone away forever. I have such good memories of being with her and grandpa. Too many memories to do justice here. In fact I started to list the first couple off the top of my head, but erased them, because I couldn't relay why they were special to me and I choose not to do so here.

I am glad that Ryan is hopefully old enough to remember her. I am happy that we saw her just days before she passed away and that we took pictures and a little video of her. I wish that she had been a bit more lucid when we were with her, but I think we were blessed to have gotten her on a good day. I miss her, but I miss those days of my early childhood when I was about Ryans age and a little older as well. Those times with Grandma and Grandpa are my favorite.

Below is the video and the pictures above were taken at the same time, New Year's Day 2008.


I fly down this coming week to attend the funeral. I guess I am not going down so much to honor Grandma as to be there for my mom, who is also pictured above. She is flying solo herself since the divorce and I think she could use some support from at least having all of her kids around. Bridget and the boys are not coming down. For one thing, we were there only days ago and for another neither Ryan nor Jack really get death. And if Ryan does, he doesn't worry about it at all and probably doesn't think it is such a big deal. Afterall, it is only going back to Heavenly Father--that can't be bad. Bridget would like to go but it would be hard to fit it in with work and church commitments. All could be postponed or put aside, but frankly we need the money that she will bring in. Also, flying with the boys is not fun. I think that there is a part of me that wants to go back alone. I am not sure why. It is surely not to play around. I think maybe I want the chance to think about life a bit while I am down there, and I will be better able to take part in the services without having to worry about what Jack is tearing into. Basically, it is for selfish reasons.

Oddly, I view Grandma's death as sort representing the crumbling of final bits of an outer wall that is protecting me from death. The inner wall is represented by my parents. Once they are gone, it is just me vs. Death in a battle that no one wins except Death. This is not to say that these people protected me from Death, but that in an orderly world Death comes for them first before getting to the grandchildren and children. It is probably a weird thought though that others would find strange.

I am glad that Grandma has gone on, she had been slipping away fast and I would hate to see her staying her in this life, miserable. But I will miss her.